Tier-armour is being made (Behind the scenes)
Tier-armour is being made. (Behind the scenes)
Maby the dev responsible for tier-armours is inspired by anything he can see while sitting infront of his desk.
"Hm.. lets see.. MA's... um.. ooo lunch-time! Eeey a banana, my mom is so cool. Hm.. this banana is so cool.. maby MA's could look like that? Eeey and this plum.. that could be agents."
starts to play with the plum and banana
"Take THAT plum-agent-man! Oh yeah!? Take this, banana-MA-man! Naaa u missed me plum-agent-man!"
reaches for his aluminum toaster
"And here comes the enforcer! Muhahaha bash! crush! hahaha Noone can beat the enforcer!"
crushes the fruit with the heavy toaster and makes alot of mess then grabs the lamp on his desk
"Oooh nooo its a trader!! Hurry everyone run, the trader is evil!!"
flickers the lamp on and off
"Im here to eat ure babies and sell ure genitals to tradershop for benefit!"
office-door opens and in comes Marius
[Dev]: ".... I was looking for the notes from the last meeting caugh"
Marius closes the door slowly with himself safely on the other side
"Aaaarg the evil man just left. We need backup just in case he returns!"
Cuts out the moose from the picture hanging on the wall called "moose in sunset"
"HaHA! Here comes the backup-tank in full sentinel to support the main toaster-tank!"
Takes a look at his teletubbies lunchbox and says:
"U guys cant join our uber team! The old days with heated, cold and those other ugly plaststeel-armours are OVER! As a mather of fact Ill get my mom to buy a NEW lunch-box tomorrow, hahha."
"Now we got an uber team, Ill be doc and heal u guys as u raid the coffee-maker!"
Picks up the squished fruit, toaster, moose picture and the lamp and goes out of the office towards the coffeemaker where Cz is waiting
[Cz]: ".... cleaning the office?"
Dev looks down at all the junk in his hands
[Dev]: ".... No we're raiding the coffeemaker"
[Cz]: ".................................................. .................................................. ......... ................................. can I join?"
[Dev]: "Full sry"
[Cz]: "Well I came here first so this coffee is mine. U can make ure own when Im done"
Dev makes evil plot
[Cz]: "There, now my coffee is done, now u can make urs "
Dev throws all his junk at Cz and grabs the coffee and runs into his office while yelling:
[Cz]: "Im gonna tell Marius about that!"
Cz goes to Marius' office and explains what just happened
[Marius]: "Yeah I see, but the thing is.. I wasnt there to see it so there is nothing I can do. "
Cz exits the office and Marius suddenly feels like messing with the staff. He picks up his long wooden stick with the words "Nerf stick" ingraved on the side and walks out into the hallway
[Marius]: "WHO AINT WORKIIIING!?"
Suddenly the office gets really bussy. Marius walks slowly down the corridor wacking his stick against his palm
[Marius]: "Are we workiiiiing.... HERE!?"
Marius quickly peeks into a random room and the dev inside jumps in his chair, fixes his hairdo and says:
[Dev]: "Err, um, Yes sir! Ofcource sir! .."
[Marius]: "And what are u doing atm then?"
The dev enters panic-mode and tries to think of something clever during the next 1.3 seconds
[Dev]: "I mean... Nanofreak.. urine.."
[Dev]: "Um.. err.. its .. part of a new ... tradeskillprocess.. yeah."
Dev cracks under preassure
[Dev]: "Ok, ok!! I confess! I have no idea what Im doing"
[Marius]: "U know what that means dont u? "
[Dev]: "The stick?.. "
[Marius]: "Mhm, the stick "
Marius wips the dev in the arm and the dev struggles to keep back some tears. Marius continues down the hallway and repeatedly taps the walls with his stick
[Marius]: "And hoow aboouut.... HERE!?"
Marius opens the door to the tier-armour-dev
Marius; "And what are U doing atm then?"
[Dev]: "Creating the visuals for the tier-armours in shadowlands"
[Marius]: "Cool, may I see ure ideas?"
[Dev]: "Um, yea.. the thing is.."
Marius raises his stick and says:
[Dev]: "I... .... gave my notes to Cz "
[Marius]: "Hm.. very well. Carry on then."
Marius walks back to his office
JimSalabim peeks his head out of his office, then steps out
[JimSalabim]: /s "Eeey! Anyone got a paperclip!?"
[insert silence] + [ugly noice from a printer caughing blood]
[JimSalabim]: /s "Anyone? Helluuuu!?"
JimSalabim goes down the hall and knocks on the closest door. There is a tag on the door that says "Servers". Noone answers so JimSalabim enters.
[JimSalabim]: "Anyone in here?"
The room is really dark and the air is filled with this intense humming-noice from the bussy servers. A blue light flickers down in the corner behind one of the servers. Jimsalabim goes around to see who's there
[JimSalabim]: "Hey, do u have paperclips? I need to... OMG! DUDE!"
Server-maintenance-dude (SMD): "YARR!!"
[SMD]: "Evast ye!"
This pale short person with an eyepatch and a paper-hat with a badly drawn skull on the front is sitting at one of the servers playing solitare
[JimSalabim]: "Who the hell are u?"
[SMD]: "Me be captain 'pon teh servers, yarr!"
JimSalabim have never entered the server-room before and feel forced to ask:
[JimSalabim]: "Do u work here?"
[SMD]: "Yarr.. Me be captain 'pon teh servers for 3 years strong, laddy."
[JimSalabim]: "And obviously thats not good for u I see.."
[SMD]: "Yarr.... its the humming noice..."
[JimSalabim]: "So anyway.. do u have paperc..."
[SMD]: "Used to look like u I did. All scurfy landlubber and dandy matie.. but after 3 years of humming and no sleep u would turn out like this as well u would!"
[JimSalabim]: "Look.. I just wanted.."
server makes this "beep" noice and SMD gets extatic
[SMD]: "YARR!! Harr harr, download complete! Master and Commander divX harr harr. Not even on ure fancy cinema yet! Yarr! Jim-laddy?"
JimSalabim closes the door behind him
[SMD]: "Yarr... Jim-laddy?.."
[JimSalabim]: "Paperclips.. I need paperclips!"
JimSalabim knocks on the tier-armour-dev's door
[muffled noice][Dev]: "Enter and approach!"
JimSalabim opens the door and spots the dev sitting behind his desk with the trashcan over his head
[Dev]: "Inventing helmets.."
[JimSalabim]: "U got any paperclips?"
[Dev]: "uuuhh let me check"
Dev checks through his drawers
2 min, 1 lighter, 3 batteries, 1 magic eightball, 43 cd's, 1 naughty magazine, 3 unpaid bills and a bag of balloons later he goes:
[Dev]: "ahA! Found one!"
Dev is about to hand over the single paperclip when he says:
[Dev]: "Eeey.. wait a minute!"
[JimSalabim]: "What, what?"
[Dev]: "This.. yes it.. it kinda looks like a MA-weapon!"
[JimSalabim]: "What, now?"
[Dev]: "Look, when I hold it like this.. This is something a MA could use!"
[JimSalabim]: "Could u just give me the friggin paperclip so I can get some work done here!?"
[Dev]: "Ooooo posh arent we!? So ure paperclipping-whatever-it-is-ure-doing is soooo much more important than what I do, right!? Well let me tell u something Jimbo, I have.."
SMACK! Marius is standing in the doorway with his stick
[Marius]: "Save that energy for the coding, wont ya boys? "
Marius walks slowly back into his office
[JimSalabim]: ".. gimme the clip"
[Dev]: "ghvimmi thvi chflippf!"
door slams shut
JimSalabim knocks on Cz's door
[Cz]: "PEEKAY! GIVE ME URE SWO.... caugh.. Come in?"
[JimSalabim]: "Hey Im in a hurry, u got a paperclip? The meeting is about to start and I still dont have my stuff rdy"
[Cz]: "Yea sure. Come in, u have GOT to see this. Im pretending to be an ARK and messing with people. Its so fun!"
JimSalabim looks over Cz's shoulder
[JimSalabim]: "Hajk is petitioning I see?"
[Cz]: "Yeah, he's stuck in SL. Im gonna warp him to upper north-east corner of PW "
[JimSalabim]: "Haha! Look at that guy swear! What a language. Hurry take a screenshot!"
[Cz]: "Woot, that was a great one. Do u mind hanging the screenshot up by the others for me? I gotta get my notes together too before the meeting."
[JimSalabim]: "Sure Ill just go get my papers and Ill hang it up on the way"
JimSalabim takes some paperclips and goes to his office to collect his papers for the meeting. On his way to the meeting he hangs the screeny up on the wall, ontop of another screeny since there is no room left in this corridor.
[JimSalabim]: "Dang, we need to add some more walls to this structure "
4 minutes later Marius, Cz, JimSalabim, SMD, the tier-armour-dev and the dude in charge of feedback is gathered around this long mafia-looking table. Marius is at the very end smoking a cigar and holding the nerf stick in his right hand.
[Marius]: "Wazzaaaaa" [JimSalabim]: "wuuzaaaaaa" [Cz]: "Peekaaaaaaay" [SMD]: "Yarrr!!!" [Tier-armour-Dev]: "Helluuuuuuu" [Feedback-dude]: "Sup"
[Marius]: "Right, meeting is officially started! There are 2 things that we need to discuss today. First, the progress on tier-armour-visuals that should have been completed today. Second, we can nolonger afford the number of staff we have at this moment so Im afraid one of u have to go."
Everyone looks at tier-armour-dev
[Marius]: "Since Im in a nasty mood today Ill keep the /org kick until the end of the meeting just to see u guys sweat."
Marius Looks into some papers for 3 sec then looks at tier-armour-dev
[Marius]: "So, u done with the visuals? Last time I asked about this issue u said that Cz had ure notes."
[Cz]: "Peekeeeey caugh I mean.. eeey! I never got any notes from him!"
Marius looks at dev
[Marius]: "So, whats all this then!?"
Marius raises stick..
[Dev]: "Errr... its... um.... communication failure! Yeah! Nasty buissnes but it happens Im afriad..."
Dev looks at Marius. A drop of sweat is running down the left side of his face.
[Marius]: "Communication failure, ey? And who is in charge of communication?"
[SMD]: "Yarr, closest would be feedback-laddy... scurfy landlubber.."
[Marius]: "Right, ure fired!"
Marius hits the feedback-dude in the arm and the feedback-dude starts to cry and runs out of the room
[Marius]: "Well, that takes care of the second part of the meeting. AHhahha!"
Nervous laughter from the staff
[Marius]: "Well, since feedback screwed up I guess Ill prospone the tier-armour-deadline one more week. Meeting over! Time for lunch!"
[JimSalabim]: /w "Nice save there, dev "
Three days later.
Dev is sitting on the toilet thinking about tier-armours
"Just 4 days left and I havent done anything.. Maby my mom was right, maby I should have become a banker afterall.."
Squeeek. The door opens and the dev who is sitting on the toilet looks surprised at the person entering
[Programmer]: "Woah, sorry bout that."
The programmer closes the door quickly and the dev can feel his pulse going down again.
[Dev]: "Wish there was a lock on these doors."
Squeeeek. The door opens again and the same programmer is standing in the doorway
[Programmer]: "Damnit, Im really sorry."
The programmer closes the door and the dev can hear the programmer walking away
The dev is just about to stand up and get his pants back on when the door suddenly opens
[Dev]: "Waaah! Damnit!!"
[Programmer]: "Oh darn. Im so sorry.
[Dev]: "What are u doing anyway!?"
[Programmer]: "Well this toilet was taken so I was trying to spawn a new GS, sorry"
[Dev]: "..wow, ure even wierder than the server maintenance dude.."
The programmer eyeballs the dev and walks out again
[Dev]: "Sooo.. where is that toiletpaper..."
The dev looks around the small room and spots a roll of toiletpaper on the sink
[Dev]: "Aha, there we go"
BANG! The door opens again and in comes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... 12 programmers... 13 programmers. The room is so small that one of the programmers have to sit on the devs lap.
[Dev]: "(#¤#=)¤?=)# What is wrong with u people!!?!?"
[Programmer nr. 7]: "2 sec please. We need to fill this toilet to get a new GS."
[Dev]: "U cant DO that!! This isnt AO ffs, get OFF me!"
[Programmer nr. 4]: "Dude there is no need to curse, we know what we're doing."
[Programmer nr. 6]: "This GS stinks"
[Programmer nr. 3]: "Bob? Yo Bob, where are u?"
[Programmer nr. 9]: "Over here, Jack!"
[Programmer nr. 3]: "Where? I cant see u.."
[Programmer nr. 9]: "Under the sink"
Programmer nr. 3 bends down so his head is dangerously close to the devs thigh
[Programmer nr. 3]: "Eeey I see u!"
[Dev]: OK, Thats it! Get out!! OUT!!"
2 days until deadline
Tier armour dev is sitting in his office eating icecream
[Dev]: "Stupid deadlines. U cant push an artist! Its like Marius think stress is like.. helpfull"
This dev dont cope with stress very well and spawns a third personality called "stress-syndrome"
[Dev]: "Sniff, this is good icecream"
[Stress-syndrome]: "U could eat icecream with ure feet on the desk all day. Its not like Marius will hurt u if ure not finished."
The dev looks around with a wierd look on his face
[Dev]: "Who said that?"
[Stress-syndrome]: "Its me. That little voice inside ure head that can make aaaall ure trouble go away"
[Dev]: O.O "Are u Elvis?"
[Stress-syndrome]: sigh "No I.. hm.. Yeees. Im Elvis, in spirit form to help u through these troubled times"
[Dev]: "Really? Like how?"
[Stress-syndrome]: "Just sit back, put ure feet up, relax. Have some icecream"
The dev lean back slowly in his chair, puts his feet up and takes a big spoon of icecream
[Stress-syndrome]: "Theeere u go. Feels good doesnt it?"
[Dev]: "So far so good "
knock knock. Marius opens the door
[Marius]: "Icecream? Did u finish the tier-armours allready?"
[Stress-syndrome]: "Allmost there"
[Dev]: "Allmost there "
[Marius]: "Good good. Come with me a sec. There is something I need to show u."
The dev takes a huge spoon of "icecream to go" and follows Marius down the hall
[Marius]: "Im about to show u something that most people dont get to see. I hope ure ready for it. I think u are."
[Dev]: "Err, what is it?"
[Marius]: "Just follow me"
Marius is walking really fast, like he is excited. They reach a door that says "Do not enter! That means u, JimSalabim!"
[Marius]: "Through this door is the truth. The truth behind all MMORPG-related-game-companies."
Dev gets excited, jumping up and down while clapping his hands like a seal
[Marius]: "U must make a choice. Not enter this door and go back to ure office and believe whatever u want to believe, or, enter this door and I will show u how deep the rabbithole goes."
The dev feel he has heard that somewhere before but is way to excited to remember where.
[Dev]: "Ill enter, enter!"
Marius opens the door with his keycard and quickly closes the door once they both are inside
[Marius]: "Put on this suit"
Marius hands the dev a white suit with a big glass helmet. "Toxic-style".
[Marius]: "Stand close to me in the middle of the room"
They both stand in the middle of the room for 5 seconds, then they both get sprayed with some sort of fluid from all angles
[Marius]: "The next area requires complete absense of bakterias and filth. This fluid will kill and remove any and all harmfull elements"
[Dev]: "This is so cool, its like X-files!"
[Dev]: "I can be Mulder and u can be Scully "
[Dev]: "kk, sorry.."
The spraying stops and the door leading to the next area opens with this "psshh"-sound and the dev gets exstatic
[Dev]: "Yeah, like that!"
[Marius]: "No, shut up!"
Marius goes into the next area and the dev follows. There are computers everywhere. All the walls are painted white and everything looks very sterile
[Marius]: "This is it! This is what I wanted to show u!"
A huuuuge server-looking thing is standing in the middle of the room. Its probably 8 meters tall and 10 meters wide
[Marius]: "This, is the bug-server"
[Dev]: "That what-now?"
[Marius]: "Bug-server. U see, in the computer-world everything is mathematics. Its all equations and they all need to add up. When u devs create things and add new code to the game.. well these things are concidered good. When there is good there must allso be bad, to balance the equation. So for every piece of happy-code u guys make a bad code is spawned to balance the equation. Allso known as a bug. This is the server which contains all the bugs. Thats why u devs cant find the bugs on ure computers. They are simply not there. They are HERE!
Marius points at the huge server and looks at the dev. The dev is standing there with the spoon in his right hand and lots of icecream smudged all over his glass-helmet
[Marius]: "WTF, are u doing?"
[Dev]: "Kinda forgot about the glass.. But I heard everything u said, I swear! Its really interesting!"
Marius wipes off the icecream from the devs helmet
[Marius]: "Well if u think thats interesting then wait until u see the next thing!"
[Dev]: "There's more?"
Marius drags the dev through another door and they are now standing on a balcony high above a huuuuuuuuuuge landscape of hamsters running in their wheels
[Marius]: "Millions, BILLIONS of hamsters run in these wheels to power the server to our forum. The hamsters are nolonger born.. they are GROWN! At first I didnt believe it but then Gaute showed me the fields and I saw them with my own eyes."
[Marius]: "Im sorry if this is hard to take. We useally dont show this to a dev once he have worked here for a set number of time. Some dont want to know what is going on and some cant let go and accept the truth"
[Dev]: "U just saw the Matrix-trilogy didnt u?"
The day before deadline!
Its the day before deadline and the dev is sitting in his office. He is in a really bad mood.
[Dev]: "Stupid armour-crap-deadline-stuff. This office is way to depressing to get anything done."
The dev opens his new Ninja Turtles lunchbox and stares at a boring sandwich for a while.
[Dev]: "Bah, Im going to the cafeteria."
The dev grabs his lunchbox and goes to the elevator. He press the second-floor-button and the elevator starts moving
[Elevator-music]: "Meeeeeo samba samba meeeeo samba samba"
Ding! The elevator stops at second floor and the door opens. Waiting outside the elevator is Fadinaway
[Fadinaway]: "Heeey! "
[Dev]: "Hey there "
The dev quickly yet stealthy pushes all the buttons and steps out.
[Fadinaway]: "Just on my way up to Marius with some very urgent reports. What floor was it again?
[Dev]: "7 "
[Fadinaway]: "Ah, thats the one. Lets seee... eeeEEY!!"
Door closes and the elevator starts moving downwards
The dev walks down the hall and around the corner into the cafeteria. The room is filled with tables placed in sections. Lots of people with white shirts are sitting around one section, lots of people in suits are sitting around another section, the server maintenance dude is sitting alone at one section and finally Cz and JimSalabim is sitting at one section. The dev goes towards the nearest empty seat which is at the suit-section.
Suit: "This seat is taken.."
A guy in a black suit is holding his hand on the seat and the rest are giving the dev a really nasty look
[Dev]: "Oh.. sorry.."
The dev walks to the next table where the server maintenance dude (SMD) is sitting
The dev walks towards the table where Cz and JimSalabim are sitting
[Dev]: "Can I sit here guys?"
[JimSalabim]: "Sure, dude"
The dev sits down and opens his lunchbox
[Cz]: "Never seen u down here before. Got tired of the old office? "
[Dev]: "Kinda. I couldnt get anything done up there so I came down here for a brake I guess."
[JimSalabim]: "So u have never been here before?"
The dev looks around
[Dev]: "..not during lunchbrake atleast."
[JimSalabim]: "Well, then u need to learn the basics. I saw u had some troubles with the suits over there."
[Cz]: "Yeah. U see, u cant just come down here and eat without knowing who is who and what is where."
[JimSalabim]: "Ok, over there is the programmer-section"
JimSalabim points towards the people with white shirts
[JimSalabim]: "Programmers only sit with other programmers. They discuss mathematical problems and allways keep their food-sorts seperated. Meat here, potatos there, vegetables there and no gravy. Never gravy. U see, programmers cant stand that their food isnt organized."
[Cz]: "Their plate kinda looks like a pie-chart "
[JimSalabim]: "Over there are the people in charge of players AO-accounts."
JimSalabim points towards the people in black suits
[JimSalabim]: "Those are hardcore buissnes-people. They are the ones that make the wheels of Funcom go round. Share an account with ure wife and one of them comes to ure door late at night with a baseballbat"
[Cz]: "However they work like the mafia. Just pay them a few bucks and u wont see them again until next month."
[JimSalabim]: "Behind the counter there are the GM's. They dont do much work ingame so they get to serve here in the cafeteria too"
JimSalabim points towards the counter at the end of the room
[Cz]: "U really should go there to get some food, its funny "
The dev looks at his boring sandwich
[Dev]: "Hm, I might just go do that. Brb"
The dev walks towards the counter and is surprised that there is no qeue there whatsoever even tho its in the lunchbrake
[GM]: "How may I help u? "
[Dev]: "Um, got any food?"
[GM]: "Cant help u with that, sorry "
[Dev]: "U dont have food? what do u have?"
[GM]: "Two sec, Ill check "
The GM goes back into a room and comes back out after 2 min
[GM]: "No, sorry. We dont have anything "
[Dev]: "..Nothing at all?"
[GM]: "Sorry, is there anything else we can help u with? "
[Dev]: "Um.. no I guess not.."
The dev walks back towards Cz and JimSalabim and they are sitting there laughing so hard that their faces are all red
Funcom headquarters lie empty as the sun climbs over the horizon. Outside, trees slowly wave in the morning breeze as if they where greeting the warming sunlight. Colors of nature, feeling of atmosphere and sound of leafs brushing against eachother is enough to bring even the most troubled mind to peace.
The Funcom doors open like a flood-gate, releasing a constant stream of programmers into the building.
[Marius]: "We are late! Chop chop!"
Lights are turned on. Coffee-makers are turned on. Computers are turned on, revealing a sexy desktop-picture. Dev gets turned on.
[Marius]: "Allright lads, this is it! Make me proud!"
Cz jumps into his chair like a cowboy and starts typing the servers-are-down-message.
"Servers are taken down for a client patch. Downtime started at 11:00 GMT and is expected to last for 5 hours."
Tier-armour-dev is in his office, ready to freak out at any moment
[Dev]: "Aaarg! Im dead, Im dead, Im dead!
Dev turns on his computer hoping to find something useful there to include in the patch.
[Dev]: "Come oooon! Yes, yes, yes windows XP blah blah."
[Computer]: "Teenage-mutant-ninja-tuuurtles, teenage-mutant-ninja-tuuurtles!"
[Dev]: "Shut up!!"
Computer slowly loads the desktop icons and a Turtles wallpaper
[Dev]: "Who am I kidding, there is nothing here I can use!"
Dev is about to start with some kind of mixture betwean crying and hyperventilating. His stress-syndrome comes foreward to save the day once again.
[Stress-syndrome]: "Relax. I can make aaaall ure troubles go away."
Dev sucks on his thumb
[Stress-syndrome]: "There is an ultimate solution to this problem and it involves ure computer."
Dev looks at his computer while sucking on his thumb
[Stress-syndrome]: "What if something.. happened.. to ure computer. Just by.. accident."
[Dev]: "..Then it wouldnt be my fault.. and noone would know that Im not finished..!"
Dev tries to think of something to do with his computer
Dev gets a bit on edge, unplugs it and picks it up
Dev tosses the entire box through the window and it "lands" on the parkinglot
[Dev]: "Holy crap!"
Marius storms through the door
[Marius]: "WTF happened!?"
[Dev]: "I.. um.."
Dev looks at the broken window
[Dev]: "That wasnt supposed to happen.."
[Marius]: "I bloody well hope not. What where u doing?!"
[Dev]: "Well.. I was trying... to ...... copy my work on a CD since Im not connected to the local network but the cd-rom didnt work.. so I desided to try and bring the entire computer to Timelapse so he could hook it up and copy the files but.. I slipped while having it on my shoulder and it fell through the window.."
Marius is trying to hold back a minor urge to strangle the dev until he stops moving
[Marius]: "..I know why Gaute left now.."
Someone is yelling in the hallways and Marius runs out
[Programmer 13]: "Help me!! Heelp meeee!!!"
A programmer got his tie stuck in a HP-printer and its slowly pulling his head down
Programmer 13: "Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!!"
Programmer 9: "Im trying!! None of the commands are working!"
Programmer 5: /s "Any HP 520-E Deskjet-experts here!?"
Programmer 13: "caugh hurryy.. pant"
Printer: "SUM SUM SUM! sum sum suuuuuum...."
Marius is standing by the wall holding the printer power-cord in his hand.
[Marius]: "..I swear, if u guys dont get a grip Ill make u run around this building 3 times."
Tier-armour-dev arrives at work the following day only to discover that his office is packed with seaguls. He forgot to cover the broken window before he left work last night and now the seaguls have let themselves in and completely taken over.
Seagul 2, 3, 4, 6, 8 and 9: "Galla galla galla!"
[Dev]: "Oh feck.. Get out!"
The dev is waving his hands at the seaguls but they dont seem very impressed and completely ignore him.
[Dev]: "Take this, you flying virmin!"
He picks up the powercord that once belonged to his computer and tries to hit the seaguls with it from safe distance. This obviously got their attention because now they are all grabbing his hair with their feet.
He runs out and slams the door behind him, allmost squishing a seagul.
[Timelapse]: "Your covered with fethers, dude."
The dev has seagul-fethers all over his back and in his hair.
[Dev]: "Yeah.. all the cool people are covered in fethers."
[Dev]: "Just go in my office. Im not the only one around here covered with fethers. You'll see."
Timelapse gets curious and opens the door to the dev's office. The dev pushes Timelapse into the room and closes the door quickly
Seaguls: "Galla! Galla! GALLA! GALLA! GALLA!!"
The dev goes down the hall towards Marius' office and knocks on the door.
[Marius]: "One second!"
[Marius]: "Ok, you can come in now!"
The dev opens the door and Marius is sitting behind his desk smiling.
[Marius]: "Done with the Tier-armours yet?"
[Dev]: "Well actually there is another problem I need to solve first."
[Marius]: "Now what.. Dont tell me you broke something else. You have cost Funcom enough money allready!"
[Dev]: "No no, nothing is broken. But.. what would you say if.."
[Dev]: "..if my office is filled with seaguls because I kinda forgot to cover the hole before I left yesterday?"
Marius picks up a pen, stands up and throws it at the poor dev
[Marius]: "How the hell do you manage to cause so much.."
Marius suddenly gets all quiet, sits down and opens a small orange bottle with white pills. He takes a bunch and closes his eyes.
[Dev]: "Marius.. Im really sorry!"
Marius opens his eyes and now he has that smile on his face again.
[Marius]: "Thats allright. I guess we should try and get them out of there, dont you think? "
The dev is somewhat scared by Marius' sudden change of mood.
[Dev]: "Um.. yes. But how? I tried and they wheren't very helpfull."
[Marius]: "Oh, dont worry about that. I will take care of it. You just sit down while I call someone to come get wrid of them."
Marius picks up his phone and dials some number. The dev sits quiet in a chair.
[Marius]: "Hello, I would like to talk with a seagul.. person.. exterminator."
[Marius]: "Yes, I'll hold."
Marius gives the dev a thumb up with his left hand while holding the phone to his ear with his right hand. He still has that silly grin on his face.
[Marius]: "Yes, hello. Who is this..? Jane Seagul..? From New Orleans.. "
[Marius]: "Um.. yes Im sorry but I was trying to get hold of a seagul-exterminator-person. What? Oh, no we have a slight seagul-infestation-problem in one of our offices. Hello..? Hello?"
[Marius]: "She hang up on me.. Let me try again."
Marius picks up a pencil while dialing and is fiddling around with it using his left hand.
[Marius]: "Yes hello? Im trying to get hold of a seagul-extermination-person.. Yes, its me again.. but you sent me to the wrong place last time. I need to talk with someone that can get wrid of some seaguls. Someone with a net or something. Yes, Ill hold."
[Marius]: "Yes hello? Who am I talking to? .. Anette .."
Marius breaks the pencil in two with his left thumb and hangs up the phone with a bang. The dev can feel his palms are all sweaty. Marius takes another bunch of pills from that little orange bottle.
[Marius]: "Well, lets go take care of this ourselves then. "
Marius walks past the dev who is leaning away from him out of fear.
[Marius]: "Whats going on here!?"
The hallway are filled with paramedics and curious programmers. Something that appears to be an employe covered in fethers and seagul-crappings is being carried away while repeatedly shouting:
[Timelapse]: "Galla... Galla... Galla..."
Tier-armour-dev is sitting in his office playing Tetris on his Gameboy
[Dev]: "Come on! I need a long one. Give me a long one!"
Alot of noice from outside the office takes his concentration away
[Gameboy]: "Game over!"
[Dev]: "Whatever.. The graphics in that game sucks anyway.."
The dev gets up, places his Gameboy strategically inbetwean 2 pieces of seagul-crappings on his desk and opens the door
[Programmer 16]: "Get back in your office, they are comming!"
[Dev]: "Who is comming? O.o"
[Programmer 16]: "The Expansion-pack-programmers!"
[Programmer 16]: "Dude, the expansion-pack-programmers have alot more resources than us regular programmers. They use every opportunity they have to make fun of us. We have to get ready before they get here."
[Dev]: "Get ready in what way?"
[Programmer 16]: "Well, last time they where here was right before the launch of Shadowlands. They showed us all these fancy screenshots, videos and drawings of things to come and came with alot of remarks about how we REGULAR programmers never could make something like that. We have to get fake screenshots, 3D-models, textures and such we downloaded from the internet ready so it looks like we are doing miracles here."
[Dev]: "I see. Good luck with that... Why are they here anyway?"
[Marius]: "To get ready for the release of Alien Invasion."
Both the dev and programmer jumps just as Marius made his creepy yet stealthy entrance.
[Dev]: "WTB bell on the dynaboss."
[Programmer 16]: "Marius, could you please keep the expansion-pack-programmers out of this floor? They dont play nice."
[Marius]: "Calm down, they are just here for a few hours to show us how Alien Invasion is comming along. Then they will leave. I promise."
[Expansion-pack-programmer 4 (EPP 4)]: "Hey there Bob "
[Programmer 16]: "/w damnit.."
Programmer 16 forces a smile on his face
[Programmer 16]: "My name isnt Bob, its Marcus .."
[EPP 4]: "Haha, thats funny. You dont look like a Marcus. You look like a Bob "
EPP 4 performs a short yet incredibly sleezy laughter.
[EPP 4]: "Follow meh, we are going to the cafeteria to show you our stuff!"
Marius, the devs, programmers and EP-programmers all go down to the cafeteria. The entire room is filled with chairs and all the EP-programmers have gathered infront of the food-counter.
[EPP 1]: "Everyone please have a seat so we can get started."
All the seats gets filled up and its all quiet.
[EPP 1]: "Ok, good.. Hi, my name is Dick and Im the head programmer in our division. We are here today to show you guys the FUTURE of Anarchy Online."
[Programmer]: 16: "/w Great, here we go.."
[EPP 1]: "This last year, we in the EP-division have had the pleasure of working closely with NASA. We have helped them creating their new unhackable website where we in exchange get to use their computers for our work. One of the scientists at NASA calculated that only one of their computers is about 137 times more powerfull than every single computer in this building combined."
[Programmer 16]: "What a bastard.."
[EPP 1]: "Needless to say, the things we are able to create with all this..."
EPP 1 takes a deep breath
[EPP 1]: "..power.. is simply mindblowing. Jack, if you please."
[EPP 2]: "Thank you, Dick."
Expansion-pack-programmer 2 is standing there with his hands behind his back and a huge grin on his face.
[EPP 2]: "So, by now I bet you guys are dying to know what we have been doing since last time we where here? "
The room is all quiet
Programmer 29: caugh
[EPP 2]: "With the release of Alien Invasion we are invading Rubi Ka with huuuuuge alien space-ships, so large that they completely cover the entire sky, hoards of dropships will be flying aaaall over the place dropping naaasty aliens aaaaall over the place. Huuuuuge cities made by the players themselves will burn and crumble unless the players themselves help fight off the neverending hoards of aliens."
EPP 2 is waving his hands around and he is obviously very proud of what he is saying
[EPP 2]: "Imagine thousands of players and aliens and ships in huuuuuge battles all over the planet! Any questions so far?"
Programmer 16 stands up.
[Programmer 16]: "I was just wondering.. with all this stuff happening.. Wont there some lag-issues..?"
[EPP 2]: "What do you mean.. L.A.G.?"
[Programmer 16]: "Well, I mean.. right now Im playing this level 23 omni adventurer and when Im walking past bronto burger in Omni Ent my computer allmost crashes. So I was thinking that a few thousand aliens, spaceships, motherships, hundreds of people who are fighting the aliens.. in addition to those 8 people that where allready there and the bronto burger-stand.. Wont the lag be even worse?"
[EPP 2]: "Look, I dont understand what this L.A.G. is. We tested it on NASA's computers and it worked perfectly fine. Next question!"
Programmer 16 sits down again
[EPP 1]: "Right, if there are no more questions at this time we can move straight on to the next topic. We revealed our work and now its your turn. "
Everyone looks at the Tier-armour-dev
[Marius]: "/w Dude, get up there!"
[Dev]: "/w Huh!? O.O"
[Marius]: "/w This was your assignment. You have had a whole year. Dont tell me you forgot!"
The dev stands up and makes his way to the food-counter. He can feel hundreds of eyes directed at him.
[Dev]: "Um.. Hi.. all."
The dev does this little wave with his left hand and he realises that it was a very feminin wave and quickly hides his hand.
[Dev]: "I.. eh. Well, I really like pet-professions.."
Everyone seems to agree. Lots of clapping and positive chat betwean the people sitting.
[Dev]: "And.. I allso think leets are cool! "
Again, everyone is whistling and clapping, giving the dev a boost of confidence.
[Dev]: "So.. naturally I thought it would be cool to combine these 2 elements.. by creating new leet-pets for those that pre-order."
[EPP 1]: "Hehe, so basicly you have spent the last entire year making a pet-leet?"
Crowd gets silent again
[Dev]: "Oh.. oh no, no, no. I have created.. 10 different leets. One for each mood so to speek. Um.. one that looks like a.. err pirate."
Crowd goes wild
[SMD]: "Yarr! "
[Dev]: "And a.. uh a leet that looks like a programmer! "
All the programmers are laughing
[Dev]: "And 8 more but those will be a surprise.."
[EPP 1]: "Well, thats cute.. Thank you "
[Programmer 16]: "/w I'll be right back."
[Marius]: "/w Ok, hurry back."
The dev takes a seat and Marius is looking at him while shaking his head. The session lasts for 10 more min and then everybody starts to go back to their offices.
[Dev]: "Where did Marcus go?"
[Dev]: "Programmer 16.."
[Marius]: "Oh.. I dont know. He left a while ago."
They are standing in the big hall by the exit and all the expansion-pack-programmers are walking past them to the exit-door while making smart remarks like:
[EPP 3]: "I bet your pretty hyped to see AI in action, arent you? "
Suddenly Marcus comes running down the stairs with a CD in his hands
Everyone turns against Marcus
[Marcus]: "Dick! I got something for you. Hold up!"
Dick stops in the doorway and Marcus hands him the CD
[Dick]: "Whats this?"
[Marcus]: "Oh Im so impressed by what you do that I wanted to give you this CD. Its a collection of my best work. If you just could look at it and perhaps give people some kind words about me.. I would be very happy if you could. There is nothing I want more than working at your division!"
Dick puts the CD in his pocket and laughs
[Dick]: "Sure thing.. I bet we could use a good laugh "
All the expansion-pack-programmers have left and Marius, The tier-armour-dev and Programmer 16 is standing in the hall.
[Marius]: "Dude, what was that all about?"
[Programmer 16]: "Just some viruses. Should get him into enough trouble I think "
[Marius]: "Dude, NASA..!"
Its a fairly slow, warm summersday at Funcom. Alot of pencil-fiddeling and thumb-thumbelling going on. Programmer number 32 is trying to balance his coffee-cup on the top of his head. Programmer 17 is watching and clapping his hands like a seal.
[Marius]: "Guys, can I get your attention for a sec."
Everyone looks at Marius.
[Marius]: "Old Bubba at public relations has been replaced.
[Programmer 8]: "Not Bubba!?"
[Programmer 5]: "He was the funniest guy ever. His mathematical jokes is what kept me going!"
[Marius]: "Well, he wasnt very productive or even helpfull. I took a look at other MMORPG-companies and they all seem to have women working at public relations. I thought we should do the same."
[Marius]: "Everyone, meet Lisa."
A short, blonde bimbo-looking lady chewing on bubblegum is standing by the wall waving. A programmer is sitting very close to where she is standing but he doesnt have the currage to turn around and look at her. There might be eyecontact.
[Lisa]: "Hi everybody! Thihihi " crew chew twiddle hair
[Marius]: "Her office is getting cleaned and repainted so she has to sit here with you guys today. Be nice with her ok? Its her first day."
[Marius]: points at programmer 12 "Tim over here is in charge of Traders so his desk is somewhat empty right now. You can share desk with him until your office is ready, ok?"
[Lisa]: "Ok! Thihihi "
Lisa sits down by Tim and he feels like he just went through a timeportal and is back at first day of school.
Tim jumps in his chair
[Lisa]: "Nice to meet you Tim! "
[Tim]: "Uh n..n.. He.. ya.. nnice to meet you, hey."
Tim is looking into her eyes for the first time and its like they are sitting there all alone. He forgot the 30 other programmers looking at them.
[Lisa]: "So, Mr. Tim. Whats a Trader anyway? "
[Tim]: "Oh.. um.. I forgot what it is at the moment but Im in charge of it "
[Lisa]: "Ooo a man in charge? Thihihi "
[Lisa]: "Thihihi "
[Programmer 3]: "Dude, dont hurt yourself.."
[Tim]: /w "Shh.. its working.."
Meanwhile, the sound-guy is comming out of his studio. He opens the door slowly
He walks out and down the hall
[Sound-guy]: "Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump."
The tier-armour-dev is standing by the coffee-maker talking to Cz.
[Cz]: "..but the ending was horrible. I mean.. the park with the bench and the sunset? What was that all about?"
The sound-guy doesnt say anything. He takes a cup of coffee and walks back to his studio
[Sound-guy]: "SQUEEEEK! (rollerrat)"
[Dev]: "Whats up with that guy?"
[Cz]: "He dont talk much but he is superb when it comes to sounds. Did you know that all sounds in AO where made only with a microphone, windows sound recorder and that dude using his mouth? Thank god his office is sound-proof"
Tier armour dev is knocking on the servers-door
Server meintenance dude (SMD): "Yarr, matie!"
The dev opens the door
[Dev]: "Hey.. um.. what are you doing?"
The SMD is on his knees under a table
[SMD]: "Watch ye steps, laddy. I have lost me glass eye!"
[Dev]: "..you mean your contact lense?"
SMD gets back up on his feet and brushes off some dust from his knees
[SMD]: "It was right here a moment ago, now its nowhere to be found. Yarr.."
[Dev]: "Did you try walking in and out of the room? "
[SMD]: "..what do you mean?"
[Dev]: "..nevermind. Look, I need you to do me a favour. I will make it worth your while."
[SMD]: "Interesting, and what is it that you will have me do?"
The dev looks really nervous. He makes sure the door is closed and he walks up close to the SMD.
[Dev]: "Remember.. this is hush hush. This has to stay betwean us. Ok?"
SMD, who has an eyepatch on his left eye, turns his head to the left and looks at the dev with his right eye wide open.
[Dev]: "So you understand?"
SMD winks at the dev with his right eye
[Dev]: "..so that is a yes then?"
The dev takes another look at the door behind him to make sure noone is standing there.
[Dev]: "Ok.. I need you.. to shut down the servers tomorrow at 12.. make it seem like they crashed. Then keep them down for 30 minutes."
[SMD]: "Yarr.. I dont know.."
[Dev]: "I'll give you whatever you want. Name your price."
[SMD]: "Well.. being captain 'pon the servers is a mans job. But a man gets lonely."
[SMD]: "Late at night.. when its dark and quiet.. except from the humming noice from the frikkin servers ofcource.."
[SMD]: "..I get lonely."
[Dev]: "Dude.. where are you going with this?"
The SMD looks behind the dev and the door is still closed
[SMD]: "..Id like a parrot."
[Dev]: "A what now?!"
[SMD]: "A parrot. Not a real one.. One of those virtual parrots that you can install on your computer and talk to."
[Dev]: "um.. ok, I think I can get that.."
The SMD takes a firm grip of the devs arm
[SMD]: "And a box of aspirins! Yarr! The migrane! The MIGRANE!"
[Dev]: "Dude, ok, ok. I'll get it!"
The SMD lets go of the devs arm and brushes off his shirt
[Dev]: "So we have a deal then?"
The dev starts walking towards the door
[Dev]: "Remember.. tomorrow at 12.."
[SMD]: "Me glass eye!"
Tier armour dev enters the server-room. Its 12:30.
[Dev]: "Dude.. are you in here?"
SMD is messing with some wires behind one of the computer. He is obviously stressed out because he's all sweaty and he has taken his pirate-hat off, revealing a shiny, bald head.
[Dev]: "Hey, dude."
[SMD]: "Damn, yarr!"
SMD quickly gets his pirate-hat back on and looks at the dev
[Dev]: "So.. how did it go? Did you complete.. your end of the bargain?"
[SMD]: "Yarr, me having some troubles. The main server may be old but she makes up for that by running steady as a battleship. I managed to get the chat-server down tho."
[Dev]: "Hm.. damnit. That will have to do. Wait here, I'll go do my thing and then I'll come back and we'll talk about your reward."
The dev walks over to Marius' office and knocks on the door
[Marius]: "Who's there?"
[Marius]: "Dev who?"
[Dev]: "Tier armour dev."
[Marius]: "Oh feck.. come in.."
The dev enters Marius' office and position himself infront of the desk.
[Dev]: "The chat-server is down."
[Marius]: "What!? What did you do now!?"
[Dev]: "Ey! Why do I allways get the blame everytime something goes wrong?"
[Marius]: "How about statistics?"
Marius walks out of his office and down the hall towards the server-room. The dev is now standing all alone in Marius' office.
Marius (far-away-noice): /shout "What the hell is going on with the chat-server?"
The dev quickly goes behind Marius' desk and starts fiddeling with the computer
[Dev]: "Come on.. where is it... Aha!"
The dev discovers all the catalogues with all the different types of armour-models and textures.
[Dev]: "Shadowland... S....Shadowleet... There!"
The dev opens a catalogue containing unused armours designed for shadowlands expansionpack.
[Dev]: "Author: John P. Sherman.."
The dev deletes the true author and writes in his own name
He gets out from behind the desk and goes out into the hall. Marius is walking back towards him
[Marius]: "Shut up."
[Dev]: "O.o I didnt say anything."
Marius slams the door shut once inside of his office. The dev walks back to the server-room and knocks on the door
[Dev]: "What did he say? Or more importantly what did you say?"
[SMD]: "Yarr, I told him I unplugged a cable by mistake and that Id plug it in stright away. Then he assured me that I would lose me job as pirate 'pon the servers if I didnt get it up and running again within 5 minutes."
[Dev]: "You can get it running again, cant you?"
[SMD]: "Yarr, its an easy fix for sure. But first, where's me parrot and aspirins?"
[Dev]: "Excuse me, you didnt do what I told you to do. I managed to use the little time I had to take care of some stuff. I need to keep my job as well you know. For that I'll give you the aspirins."
The dev takes out a bottle of aspirins from his back-pocket and hands it over to the SMD.
[SMD]: "Yarr, I've been waiting for this all day. This humming-noise will be the end of me!"
[Dev]: "So your sure getting the chat-server up and running is easy? Its been down for an hour allready."
SMD opens the box o' aspirins and swallows the entire content in one go.
[SMD]: "Yarr, its an easy fix for sure. Its just a matter of... of...snort"
SMD tilts over and falls asleep in a pile of wires
[Dev]: "Oh crap! Dude wake up! The chat-server!"
SMD is like a bag of potatoes and wont wake up nomatter how hard the dev is slapping his face
[Dev]: "We're so screwed.."
The dev takes a look at the wire-chaos and spots an unplugged powercord
[Dev]: "Oh God I hope this is it.."
He plugs in the cord and suddenly all the lights in the entire building goes out.
[Dev]: "Oh fudge.."
Its an extremely hot day and the airconditioning at FC is broken. The sun is shining from a perfect blue sky and there is no wind. A programmer named Georg is sitting infront of his computer, just like all the others
He is sitting with his back against the window and the sun is shining in, straight at his backside, generating alot of heat and stress
[Georg]: "Oh, ffs."
He gets up to open the window and let in some air. The perfectly calm air outside is just as hot as the air inside the building so opening the window didnt help at all.
Georg wipes sweat off his head and rubs his burning eyes
[Keyboards]: clickClick-click-Clickclick Click CLick, click-Click, Click click, click!!, Click!!! CLICK! CLICK!!-CLICK!!!!
George's pulse is slowly going up. Everything seems to produce stress. The heat, the buzzing sounds from the computers, the clicking-sound from all the keyboards, Lisa chewing on her bubblegum, the sun on his back, todays deadline..
[Keyboards]: "CLICK, CLICK-CLICK!"
Pulse going up
[Lisa]: chew chew POP! chew-chew-chew-chew
sweat running down his cheak
Computers: "Bzzzzzzzzzhmmmmmmmmmchrzchrzhmmmmbzzzzzzhmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmMM!!!!"
Everyone looks at Georg
[Programmer 7]: "Dude calm down!"
Georg turns towards Programmer 7
[Programmer 7]: O.O (!)
Georg takes a firm grip of his keyboard and starts running towards the poor programmer
[Programmer 7]: "Heeelp!"
Nobody seems to do anything yet, they are all just watching
The programmer is on the floor and Georg is hitting him in the side with the keyboard
[Programmer 7]: "Dude! Stop it!"
[Georg]: "No way, I can actually feel wind on my face when Im smacking you, ITS REFRESHING!"
Now everyone runs towards the fight and drags Georg off the programmer
[Marius]: /s "Guys, I worn you.."
Everyone stops with what they are doing and looks at Marius
[Marius]: "Its friggin hot and Im all out of pills.."
Tier armour dev comes walking up towards Marius from behind
[Dev]: "..um Marius.. could you come here a sec? I think I broke the main printer. Didnt say anything about it not being able to handle cardboardpaper in the manual.."
[Marius]: "YOU /(#"#¤=#!!"
Marius takes a good grip around the devs throat
[Dev]: "Hess eeerk!"
Marius wont let go of the dev, the programmers are watching and they dont stop him since he's the boss and everything, Lisa is chewing gum and twiddeling her hair, Georg is at it again with his keyboard and Programmer number 7 is doing his best to defend himself with his pen
[Dev]: "EEek! Aarr!"
The dev spots a calculator laying on the table next to him and he struggles to reach it
He finally reaches it and wacks it straight in Marius' left ear. Marius lets go and the dev quickly tackles him so they both tumble over one of the desks
Two programmers are sitting way in the back corner watching the chaos
[Programmer 11]: "This is cool."
[Programmer 6]: "5 bucks on the dev."
[Programmer 11]: "k"
By now all the other programmers are fighting each other as well. Its like some bad western movie where everyone is fighting at the local bar
[Marius]: "I win!"
Marius is up on his feet pointing a staple gun at the dev
[Dev]: "Dont shoot!"
[Marius]: "Hah, I've been dreaming of stapling you since forever! Im a good shot so dont try anything heroic."
Marius is about to pull the staple-trigger, Programmer 6 is about to pay programmer 11, Programmer 7 is about to jam his pen into George's left foot.
The aircondition just turned back on and cold fresh air is flowing into the building. Everyone stops dead in their tracks and looks up as the cool air hits their faces
Tier armour dev is sitting in his office, daydreaming about how to get even with Marius. A small bandaid is hiding two small red marks just above his right knee where the staple hit. He's half asleep and his right hand moves slightly as he imagines stapling Marius to the floor and wacking him with his own nerf-stick.
Timelapse is standing in the doorway, wearing a green ranger-looking outfit.
[Timelapse]: "Greetings. We have recieved reports of a monster in the basement and we would like your assistance to defeat it. Our success will be greatly rewarded with riches and honor. Will you help us?"
The dev feels a strange urge to say yes."
[Dev]: "Yes, Timelapse. I will accompany you on this dangerous quest."
The dev gets out of his chair and walks out into the hallway. Server Meintenance Dude (SMD) is standing by Timelapse wearing a black cape. The black hood covers most of his face but the eyepatch is a dead giveaway. SMD is holding a bow and he has some arrows strapped to his back
[SMD]: "Yarr, glad to have ye onboard, laddy!"
[Timelapse]: "You look like a man capable of wielding swords. I have one extra broadsword you may borrow. Will you take this weapon?"
[Dev]: "You know me well, ranger."
Timelapse hands the dev a big sword
[Timelapse]: "We must hurry. Take with you anything you need but be swift for we need to find more men for our quest."
The dev takes a quick look through the stuff in his office and desides to take with him his lunchbox, staple gun and his magic eightball. All 3 of them walk down the hallway and into the big room where all the programmers sit. For some reason all the programmers are wearing old-looking, medievil clothes. All the desks have been replaced with booths where some of the programmers seem to be selling vegetables, clothes, rings and other items you would expect to find in a market. The dev know deep inside of him that this is really wierd but somehow it feels so natural at the same time. Its a feeling thats hard to describe.
[Timelapse]: /s "We seek aid on our quest to defeat a monster in the basement. Step forward is you feel brave and strong enough. Healer or a tank would be nice.."
All the programmers stand still and most pretend that they didnt hear what Timelapse said and continue with their conversations and marketing activeties
[SMD]: "Yarr.. dissapointing to be sure."
[Tim]: "I will help you!"
This tiny programmer named Tim, wearing a colorfull robe and holding a stick steps out of the crowd.
[Timelapse]: "And who are you? What can you do to help us?"
[Tim]: "Im a warlock. I have powerfull spells that will obliviate even the toughest foe!"
[Timelapse]: "That sounds great. You may join us on our noble quest."
The four of them walk down the stairs to first floor where they run into Lisa from public relations.
[Lisa]: "Heya!! Where are you boys going?"
She is wearing a green and blue dress and for some reason she is holding a morning star in her left hand. Her ears seem longer than usual. She looks like an elf. A gum-chewing elf.
[Timelapse]: "We are on a noble quest to slay the faul monster which lives in the basement. Would you like to join us?"
[Lisa]: "Sure! Im a druid so I can heal some if you need. Tihihihi!
[Dev]: "Wohoo, a healer!"
The five of them make their way down the stairs to the basement. The air gets more and more damp as they progress downwards and its close to pitch black as they reach the end of the stairs. The walls are nolonger wood and concrete but rather a rugged cave made of stone.
Grrrrrrrrrr.... Grrrrrrrrr..... GRRRRRRR"
[SMD]: "Yarr, that sounds like trouble."
Lisa is standing behind Timelapse, holding his green shirt really tight.
[Timelapse]: "Its the monster. We are very close!"
[Dev]: "Get ready!"
[Timelapse]: "Wait, we need a tactic. This isnt just any monster. This is a lag-monster and it has the ability to change position in the blink of an eye. It can leap betwean dimentions to trick us. It allso has 3 long tentacles stretching out of its body. Its only weak spot is at the center of its body where the actual head is. Strike there, dont waste your time with the tentacles. They grow out again."
[Timelapse]: "We must find a way to get past its tentacles to strike the head."
They all run into a huge room at the end of the rocky passage and they all stand face to face with the huge ugly lag-monster. Its surrounded by something which appears to be tiny creatures made of stone.
[Timelapse]: "Pull the stones first! We cant handle them all at once."
SMD takes an arrow out of the container on his back and shoots it at the closest stone-creatures. Two of them is running towards the party.
[SMD]: "Yarr, great pull to be sure!"
The stones take a U-turn and now run back past the other stones only to make yet another U-turn back towards the party and now all the other stones follow.
[SMD]: "Son of a wench.."
They fight for their lives and the stones die one by one. The dev is swinging his broadsword like a true hero.
[Tim]: "Behold my awsome powers!"
Tim is casting spells that seem to expand on inpact and the stone-creatures fall like flies.
[Lisa]: "Wopsie dasie! Thihihi."
A allmost perfectly timed heal from Lisa makes it to SMD a split second to late and he falls over.
[Timelapse]: "Be careful, we need as many as possible for the lag-monster!"
The last stone-creature falls over. Its completely silent except from the heavy breathing of the lag-monster from across the room.
[Timelapse]: "Get ready! The lag-monster is attacking!"
The huge and ugly lag-monster is moving towards them, waving its tentacles in their general direction.
[Tim]: "Stand back. I will defeat it!"
[Timelapse]: "No! Get back, remember the tact.."
Tim is waving his hands to create his powerfull spells but nothing seems to happen.
[Tim]: "Damnit! My spells wont land!"
One of the tentacles takes a firm yet squishy grip of Tim and shakes him violently high in the air.
Timelapse run towards the lag-monster and the Dev and Lisa is right behind him. SMD is dead.
Timelapse is waving his sword at the tentacles in order to make his way past them. The lag-monster suddenly warps a few feet back and Timelapse finds himself in the middle of tentacle-hell once again. One of the tentacles picks him up and tries to squeese the life out of him 10 meters above the ground.
The dev is waving his sword but the last tentacle is keeping him at bay. There seems to be no way to get past it. A sudden slap from the tentacle makes the dev drop his sword. It slides across the room behind the lag-monster. Lisa casts a healing-spell on Tim who is still being shaken like a ragdoll and this instantly aggros the last tentacle. It picks her up.
[Lisa]: /s "Eeeeek!!! Ewwww! Heeeeelp!!!"
The dev is standing there with no weapon and his party is slowly but surely getting ripped appart. As the third tentacle raises Lisa high into the air it reveals the face of Marius on the body of this horrible monster. In an act that feels like pure instinct, the dev takes out his staple-gun and aims for the face. The tentacles are waving all over the place and its hard to get a clean shot. He waits.. waits.. FIRES!
[Dev]: /s "Death to the lag-monster!!"
[Marius]: /s "Wake up!!"
The dev opens his eyes and looks around. He is sitting at his desk and Marius is standing in the room holding his nerf-stick
[Dev]: "Err.. um.. what?"
Tier armour dev is running down the corridor screaming and Cz is not far behind.
[Cz]: "Stop! Im not going to hurt you!"
[Dev]: "Yeah, right!"
[Cz]: "Dammit.. Give back my cellphone!!"
The dev runs into the elevator and quickly presses a random button. The doors slowly closes as Cz comes ever closer
[Dev]: /s "Hello? Is this Hong Kong?"
The doors closes just as Cz reaches them and he starts hammering on them with his hands
[Cz]: "Come back! Im telling Marius."
The elevator goes up and the dev is singing along with the elevator-music
[Dev]: "Livin' lavida locaaa"
Ding. The elevator stops at the very top floor. The dev has never been here before and he peeks out the door to see if there is a mad Cz waiting for him. No Cz so he steps out
This floor is huge. Its one big room on the size of a football-field. Hundreds of people are sitting at each their computer and there is a tension in the air so thick that you could cut it with a knife.
[Stressed out guy]: "WhaddaYaWant!?!?"
The dev jumps up into the air as some dude with a sweat-stained white shirt complete with a half-opened tie, blood-shot eyes and mad-scientist-hair comes up from behind.
[Stressed out guy]: "Don'HaveAllDay-WhaddaYaWant!?!?!"
[Dev]: "Err-Um, Just looking."
[Stressed out guy]: "ThenWhyDin'YouSaySo-Don'haveTimeForChitChat!!"
The stressed out guy runs down into the computer jungle. Just out of pure curiosity the dev follows.
[Speaker]: "Security to sector 37-B. We have a P.O."
Everyone seems extremely bussy. Eyes wide opened and constantly typing something. Except one. He's sitting close to the middle of this gigantic room with his feet on his desk.
[Dev]: "Excuse me.. What is this place?"
The lazy guy takes his sweet time to turn towards the dev. He finally makes eyecontact.
[Dev]: "What is this place? What are you guys doing here?"
Harry turns towards his computer again and pressed the mouse button. Then he turns back towards the dev.
[Harry]: "You dont know? Where have you been the last year?"
[Dev]: "Um.. bussy working downstairs.."
[Harry]: "Well, basicly all this coding on command either to please player-needs or to fix old bugs just ended with alot of frustration since things just got worse and worse so they desided to do everything manually."
[Harry]: "Yeah, making codes for weather-effects, spawnrate, damage-calculation, zoning, Mob and pet pathing and even postcount on forum proved to be way to hard so we do all these things manually now. We're 345 GM's up here now."
[Dev]: "And what do you do?"
[Harry]: "Im the droprate guy"
[Speaker]: "Security to sector 12-A. We have a P.O."
[Dev]: "Whats a P.O.?"
[Harry]: "Stands for Pass Out. Some people cant handle the pressure down here. There's not enough people to enable shifts so we never get time off other than when the servers are down for patch. There's so many of us that FC cant afford fast computers. Many go crazy and has to be taken away because their computers keep crashing. All stress and no sleep makes GM a crazy-boy."
[Dev]: "You seem to be doing ok..?"
[Harry]: "Well, you cant survive here unless you calm down and realise that you cant do everyth.. hehe.. look.."
Harry points at the guy sitting to his right. It looks like he's about to explode
[Harry]: /w "Thats the guy in charge of zoning. He has to monitor absolutely every player there is and serve them the right zone as needed. On all 3 servers."
[Dev]: /w "Area change not initiated on server?"
[Harry]: "Yup, thats him."
The zone-guy stands up and shouts at the screen
[Zone guy]: /s "Friggin zone-hugging-PvP'ers!! Stop zoning!!!!!!!"
The zone-guy falls over backwards
[Speaker]: "Security to sector 19-C. We have a P.O."
[Harry]: "Dude, your cellphone is ringing."
The dev looks at Cz's cellphone and desides to answer it. He presses the green phone-symbol.
[Dev]: "Um.. This is Cz's phonemachine. Im bussy right now cause Im probably doing something really stupid."
[Cz (on the phone)]: "Look behind you."
The dev turns around and Cz is standing right there.
[Dev]: "Oh crap!"
Cz is just about to grab the dev but he's fast and starts to run in a very general direction. Cz is close behind.
[Cz]: "Could you just give me my phone you retard!?"
The dev turns his head back to see if Cz is closing in on him. He trips over some wide cable lying on the ground and the entire room goes completely dark and silent.
[Cz]: "Great, you just cut the power dumbass."
Cz grabs the phone from the dev
[Cz]: "Put the cable back in."
[Dev]: "I cant find it. I cant see anything."
The silence is broken as 344 stressed out GM's starts to shout and cry.
[Cz]: "Oh and btw.."
[Speaker]: "Security to sector 14-A. We have a K.O."
Its 03:17. FC headquarters lay dark and silent as everyone is home asleep. Allmost everyone that is. A ladder is silently placed by the window to the Tier armour dev's office. A spesific someone forgot to shut the window before leaving and its now being taken advantage of by a thief. This man dressed in black complete with a black hood climbs up the ladder and gets in through the window.
[Thief]: /w "Bingo"
The office is dark and the thief trips over a stack of Marvel superhero comics.
Convinced that there's nobody there that might have heard him, he gets up and opens the door to the hallway. Its dark but he can see computers in all the offices and loads of other goodies to grab. He makes his way down towards the main entrance to open it so he can start carrying computers outside to his van.
The main entrance is now open. The sound of the lock opening echoes in the big entry-hall. He makes his way back up to second floor. As he passes a door with the tag "Servers" on it he can hear music. Startled by the fact that someone is still in the building he looks around for a quick escape. Suddenly the door opens.
[SMD]: "YYYYMCA!! daaadadadada YYYYMCAAA!!! EEEEEEK!!!
A completely naked server maintenance dude, except from the pirate hat and eyepatch, is standing face to face with the thief and they both scream on the top of their lungs. For different reasons.
[Thief]: "What the hell!?"
SMD covers his private parts with his hat. He's to shocked to realise that this is a thief.
[SMD]: "Crap, I thought I was alone!!"
The thief panics and starts running to the tier-armour devs office to escape. He forgot where it was and in all the confusion and darknes he gets lost in the office-landscape.
[Alarm]: "RRRRING RRRRRRRRING!!!!!"
SMD is trying to get back into the servers-room but the door had closed and locked itself from the inside. SMD is about to press in the security code to open the door when the main entrance suddenly slams open and loads of cops storms the building.
[SMD]: "Come on! Come on!!"
SMD has exactly 13 seconds to type in the 6 letter code before the cops get to his floor. He's so nervous and his hands are shaking badly so he presses the wrong combination 3 times and the number-pad stops working.
[Marius]: "A thief?"
Marius is in his office and on the other side of his desk sits a policeofficer
[Officer]: "Yes, he was running around trying to escape or something. He didnt manage to steal anything before we got there so we're booking him for breaking an entry, not for theft."
[Marius]: "I see. Thank you officer."
[Officer]: "Oh, and another thing.."
[Officer]: "Why was one of your staffmembers running around in here naked?"
[Marius]: "What now!?"
[Officer]: "Nevermind. Its not elegal so.. anyway.. have a nice day! "
[Marius]: "Wait wtf!"
[Officer]: "Its ok, sir. We dont judge you we just maintain law and order "
Askiles sits by his computer and tries to log onto AO
[Login-handler]: "Dimension: Atlantean (Rubi-Ka 1)(Down)"
[Askiles]: "Bah, somone spilt cofe on the servr agan "
That very moment in the server-room at FC HQ
[SMD]: "Yarr, damnit.."
SMD wipes coffee off the table, keyboard and the server.
[SMD]: "Scurfy coffee. Cant live with it cant keep me eyes open without it."
[SMD]: "Yarr, enter."
Marius comes in the door
[SMD]: "Err, what?"
[Marius]: "I was just wondering WHY your getting the sack today, thats all."
[SMD]: "Yarr.. me had a wee little accident. I will fix it in no time."
[Marius]: "You know.. the server has been down 3 times this week for more than an hour at a time, the chatserver has been down twice and the.. hey.. HEY! IS THAT COFFEE!?"
Server makes a fizzle sound and then a BOOM followed by a bright flash and some smoke for added special effect
[SMD]: "Yarr.. no..?"
Marius' left eye is jumping around and the overall status of the situation would be classified as "unsafe"
[Marius]: "Get out! Your fired as of this instant! There is nothing.."
[Marius]: " ..you can say that will help you after this. That server is worth more to us than.."
[SMD]: "Who will fix the server if I have to leave? Im the only one who knows how.."
Marius is about to reply with something but he stops and he's obviously thinking hard and trying not to explode at the same time.
[Marius]: "Ok... ok.. Fix the server and then you leave."
[SMD]: "Ok .. "
Marius is halfway out the door when..
SMD rips his pirate-hat and eyepatch off and walks up to Marius. His hearth is pounding. He has never stood up against anyone before.
[SMD]: "If Im fired and have to leave after I fix the server then there is no reason for me to fix it now IS THERE!?"
[SMD]: "Supposed I just walk out of here right now and leave you to figure out what to do with a broken server and 5000 psycho players? How would you like THAT!? I have been sitting in this room for 4 years now doing nothing but keeping an eye on this god damn server, my eyes burn, my head hurts, I've lost 10 pounds of muscles, gained 20 pounds of fat, lost over 500 nights of sleep and if I want to take a damn cup of coffee then I WILL TAKE A DAMN CUP OF STINKING COFFEE!!"
SMD puts his pirate-hat and eyepatch back on
[Marius]: "..um.. just hurry up and fix it.. allright?"
[SMD]: "Yes captain!"
Marius walks out slowly and closes the door
(This thread was 1 year old a couple of weeks ago!)
Znore walks into the office landscape wearing a pimp robe, cowboyhat, walkingstick with the words "luv-stick" ingraved on the handle and a really slick grin on his face.
[Znore]: "Sup bitches? "
None of the devs respond to his insulting greeting.
[Dev 19]: /w "Pfft, that guy was sitting right here next to me being all friendly-like for several years. Now that he won the director-raffle after Marius left he's turned into such a bastard."
[Dev 13]: /w "Yeah, now he thinks he's like.. mister Bigshot or something. Dont care about us anymore."
Znore sits down in his office which has been repainted and refurnished. He takes off his cowboyhat and puts his feet up on the table. A dev knocks on the door.
This really skinny dev with thick black glasses slowly walks into the room and stays close to the door.
[Znore]: "Whats up?"
[Dev 6]: "Oh, I was just wondering, I have these ideas on Trader shotguns. I was wondering if I could get permission to work on these ideas? I mean, I understand if not.."
[Znore]: "Hey, go for it. "
[Dev 6]: "Oh, thank you. Thank you so much! ..Um.. while on the subject, I have some ideas for NT's too.."
[Znore]: "Dont stretch it."
[Dev 6]: "Sorry, Im sorry."
The dev walks back out again and Znore takes off his pimp robe
[Znore]: "My, its hot in here!"
Znore reaches for the intercom
[Znore]: "Lisa? Lisa..?"
Lisa on [Intercom]: "Yes?"
[Znore]: "Could you get me something cold to drink please."
[Lisa]: "..Im in public relations.."
[Znore]: "Ok, ok, tell one of the GM's to get me a soda then."
Znore turns off the intercom and is just about to put his feet back on the desk when..
[Dev 19]: /s "Heeeeeeeelp!!"
[Dev 13]: /s "What did you do!?"
Znore runs out into the office-landscape and spots a bunch of devs circling a computer.
[Znore]: "Whats going on?"
The devs dont want Znore to talk to them but they are to stressed to care.
[Dev 19]: "I just managed to delete the entire player-shop code. Its gone! There was no backup! We're gonna get fired over this!"
[Dev 13]: "And our private investor for the AI-expansion is comming here right now to check up on the progress. We where trying to make the whole thing ready for him to see but it got delete it by a mistake!"
[Investor]: "Delete what by mistake?!"
Some guy in an italian suit and cigar is suddenly standing right next to them looking fairly startled.
[Dev 19]: "We where making the presentation ready for you because we knew you where comming here today but.."
Znore looks at the devs.. Then he looks at the investor in his fancy suit and smelly cigar. Then he looks at the devs again.
[Znore]: "..I managed to delete the code.."
The devs and the investor are all looking at Znore
[Znore]: ".. It was my fault, but we have a backup so its no problem. You just cannot see the presentation today thats all."
[Investor]: "Hmrph.. Well, just make sure you get it ready in time. You wouldnt want to upset me by ruining something Im paying for now would you? I will be back later.."
The investor walks away
[Dev 13]: "But.. we dont have a backup Znore."
[Znore]: "I know.. I know "
[Dev 19]: "Znore, your back! I knew you wouldnt let us down!"
Dev 13 and 19 performs a grouphug on Znore
[Znore]: "Ok, ok get off me and hurry up creating that code! "
Znore walks towards his office again and meets Tier armour dev outside his door
[Dev]: "Ooh! Znore! I have this great idea for alien-armour in the new playfield. Im thinking Marvel Comic superheroes and.. and.."
[Znore]: "..Go for it "
Znore is in his office doing alot of paperwork. The intercom on his desk starts making some scratching noises
[Intercom]: Dev19: "Hey Znore, if the founder of Macintosh was homosexual and from Scottland, what would the name of the company be today?"
Znore looks at the intercom
[Intercom]: [Znore]: "..what?"
[Intercom]: Dev19: "If the founder of Macintosh was homosexual and came from Scottland, what would the name of the company be today?"
[Intercom]: Dev19: "Macintush!"
Znore gets up, rips the intercom-wire from the wall and goes out into the hallway. He can hear alot of noice comming from the left hand office landscape
[Devs]: "Happy birthday to youuuu!"
[Devs]: "Happy birthday to youuuuuu!"
[Devs]: "Happy birthday dear.. server maintenance duuuude. Happy birthday to youuuu"
Everybody claps and SMD tries to blow out the lights on the pirate-themed cake but none of then die out.
[Dev]: "Yarr, I have no depth-perception with me eyepatch."
He lifts the eyepatch slightly and gives it another go. All the lights go out
[Dev14]: "What did you wish for? "
[SMD]: "That be a secret! Or it will not come true."
[Znore]: "Its your birthday today?"
[SMD]: "Yarr, 42 years old and going steady like a battleship."
[Znore]: "Well, congratulations! Not to be a partypooper or anything but we really need to get those playershops up and running so we can release this patch allready."
The devs slowly walk back to their posts and SMD takes his cake back into the server room. Znore goes back to his office
[Znore]: "Guess I will finish that paperwork"
He sits down and presses the intercom-button
[Znore]: "Hello? Can someone bring me a coffee please?"
Nothing happens. He spots the ripped out wire on the floor and remembers the anger-management-seminar he was forced to attent back in 1987.
[Znore]: /w "Frikkin waste of time"
A dev is standing in the door.
Dev8: "There's a problem with the servers!"
The both walk down to the server room and find SMD sitting on the floor crying and there's cake all over the server
[SMD]: "I tripped on a wire and the cake landed on the server!"
Launcher:Silirrion: "Servers are taken down for a.. server database upgrade.. yeah.. and they will probably be down for like 5 hours or something. This was a schedualled, I swear! Sorry for any trouble this might cause you."
Flashback to the time just before shadowlands. The key staff at FC's is sitting in the meeting-room
[Gaute]: "The zones in Shadowlands is allmost complete and so we need to create the items and mobs. We can start with the names first. The dev in charge of this area is Bob. Any plans so far Bob?"
Everyone looks at Bob who is sitting in the middle at the right hand side of the long mafia-looking table. He has a complicated metal-device in his mouth that is forcing his jaws open. He broke his jaw in a coding-accident and this device is supposedly making sure the bones heal correctly.
[Bob]: "..Ea. I ok onh lanch."
[Gaute]: "..What did he say?"
[Tier-Dev]: "I think he said "Yeah, I got some plans."
Bob nods his head and some saliva runs down his cheek and drips onto the table
[Gaute]: "Right, ok, good. Go ahead."
Bob shakes his head
Gaute writes down Mudurlugu in his papers and turns to Bob
[Gaute]: "Is this a mob, weapon or other?"
[Gaute]: "Ok, hold your right hand up if its a weapon, hold your left hand up if its a mob and tilt your head if its 'other'."
Bob hold his right hand up
[Gaute]: "Ok, and the next item is what?"
Bob holds his left hand up
[SMD]: "Yarr, this be like that mime-game."
[Bob]: "Gilchtarh. Kyr ozch sancrosanch wyrm."
[Gaute]: "Ok, this is stupid, I give up. Im sorry but I cant understand a word you're saying!"
[Znore]: "How about you give him a pen and a piece of paper?"
[Gaute]: "Oh yeah, good idea."
Gaute hands over a piece of paper to Bob. He writes something on it and gives it back to Gaute
[Gaute]: "Lets see here."
Piece of paper: "I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET!!!!"
[Gaute]: "Oh! Sorry, you can go."
Bob makes his way out of the room
[Gaute]: "Well, I guess we can just end the meeting and get started on the coding. We can start with the quests and layout now that we have begun with the items and mobs. Make sure I see everything you create. I want to make sure there will be no camping in shadowlands!"
Fast forward to current time
Gaute's wife: "Turn off the computer, dear. The dinner is ready."
[Gaute]: "Give me a few min. I have killed this inferno boss 117 times. I feel 118 is the magic number!"
Gaute's wife: "You have been glued to that screen for a solid year!"
[Gaute]: "Well ofcource I have. First I had to get inferno ring and hhab and 45k+ faction and then I had to kill hecklers at the brinkt until I became 220 which according to my calculator is 170000 of them and then I had to kill aliens and at this rate I will become AI 30 sometime in the spring 2 years from now and.."
[Gaute]: "Hey what are you doing!?"
The monitor has a hammer firmly wedged into the back
Gaute's wife: "The food is getting cold."
[Gaute]: "Yes dear.."
Geschrieben von Wrangeline im englischen AO Forum